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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Carlito's Way [1993] * * * *

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Style to behold, a nonchalant flirt with the camera, acting skills no human can truly possess, a beautiful sheen, perfect protection against the elements, decent protection against Italian mobsters. And I'm of course talking about the star of this film, Carlito's leather coat.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

The Wild Bunch [1969] * * *

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Among other considerations of concern, it appears the Mexican Warlord Machine Gun Safety Protocols were not followed to the letter.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

A Single Man [2009] * * *

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Deciding to write this was tough, believe me. My family doesn't even know. I'm coming out to the internet first. Well, ok then, I better get to it. I'm a white protestant straight male who likes football. I hope y'all understand. Donations appreciated in this stressful time for me.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Touch of Evil [1958] * *

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Touch of great opening shot followed by 107 minutes of unadulterated superturd.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Fort Apache [1948] * *

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Cowgirls and Pakistanis, starring Jane Fonda in drag, John Wayne Gacy before he made it big, and a very young Shirley Temple as a piece of furniture. The best in its genre.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Road Trip [2000] * * * *

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Apparently this movie is for moronic immature assholes. I can't see how that can be true, coz I loved it.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Broken Flowers [2005] * * * * *

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A man (artfully played by Bill Murray) receives an anonymous letter telling him he is the father of a son he didn't know he had. A thought-provoking film. Makes you really think, deeply think, about all those bar hookups, and whether maybe you shoulda wrapped it more often.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Child's Play [1988] * * *

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Traumatizing for those who are normally comfortable around dolls.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Out of the Past [1947] * *

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I tried everything to get some sleep. Took that Ritalin the nurse at school sold me. Drank 6 cups of coffee. Set off the fire alarm in my building. Got the guy across the street to use his leaf blower. Nothing worked. But lo and behold, this convoluted and trashy movie worked like a charm. It sent me into a slumber the likes of which I haven't experienced since I attempted to make it through Lincoln.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Deliverance [1972] * * * * *

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Even after watching this movie I'm still not convinced I want to go on the banjo lessons and canoe trip team-building exercise our boss has put on for us.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Firewall [2006] * *

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I've run out of post-it notes, dammit. In case I forget, my online banking password is slipperyballs9.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

The Shining [1980] * * * * *

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Is Stanley Kubrick the greatest living American? Some would say it's Colonel Sanders, but I give it to the masterful filmmaker. Let me put it this way, if you were stuck on a desert island, which would you prefer? An endless supply of Kubrick's movies, or an endless supply of fried chicken?


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Side Street [1950] * * *

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Cathy O'Donnell and Farley Granger, part two. A handsome postal worker does a bunch of stupid things, and a movie gets made about it all.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

They Live by Night [1948] * * * * *

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Cathy O'Donnell and Farley Granger, part one. A beautiful couple on the run, along the way learning, quite efficiently, to fool around some. A brilliant movie, completely underrated and nearly forgotten.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Annie Hall [1977] * * * * *

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I was with Woody all the way until he sneezed into the coke.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Underworld: Evolution [2006] * *

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If anyone has Selene's leather pants, let me know. I have Whoopi Goldberg's gym gear available to swap.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Underworld [2003] * *

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I came for the leather pants, and I stayed for the leather pants.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Gran Torino [2008] * * *

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Clint Eastwood in this film is looking pretty good for someone who was around during the War Between the States. You may not know, but after the Battle of Rum Raisin Creek, in which he fought bravely in gray, he found titular horseless carriage in a barn while hiding a virtuous woman from marauding Yankees. It was only many years later, when the moving picture technology had become more reliable, that he decided to make this flawed but certainly watchable film.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

The Passion of the Christ [2004] * * * *

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Some jackass at the theater gave away the ending.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Mean Girls [2004] * * *

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Um, movie.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

The Conversation [1974] * * * * *

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Not since the halcyon film directing everlasting summer days of Goderd, Leechinstein, Burgaroot, Tommygun, Francisco, and Marmaduke, has there been such an affecting and polyungratating milieu of unabashed non-mediocrity. Taken as shot from the hip, with no prisoners, this mystical pre-digital and post-dinner treat of ages is still (and finally!), hopefully, touching upon our mutual and firm and full bosoms in the modern mass surveillance era. Where the fervor for life has been whittled down will be the most suitable time to watch this - ie, sometime around 8pm, on a Tuesday.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

2001: A Space Odyssey [1968] * * * * *

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Thankfully I watched this masterpiece in its correct aspect ratio of 1:1.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

American Beauty [1999] * * * * *

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The best jack-off scene in the history of Academy Award-winning cinema.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Gimme Shelter [1970] * * *

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Don't do drugs, kids. And don't hire a criminal biker gang as security for a rock concert.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

The Searchers [1956] * *

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Searching for, and admirably finding, the delete key after watching this awful film.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Speed [1994] * * * *

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Apparently there was a bomb on the bus. That makes sense in hindsight, I was wondering why all the drama.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

The Hudsucker Proxy [1994] * * * *

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After much exertion spent claiming compensation for accidentally chopping off my remaining little finger (and that was just the paperwork for the insurance, the civil lawsuit is up next and 1-900-HOTLAWYER has assured me that with a little money upfront she can get me big damages from the butter knife manufacturer), I thought it was time to relax, knock back some oxys, and review this movie. It's a humdinger. Snappy dialog. Great performances. Intellectualish. Well done, Coen sisters!


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Dracula [1958] * *

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Neither good nor even campy nor interesting nor very Draculary.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Apocalypse Now [1979] * * * * *

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Thought I'd do one of *those* reviews. Y'know, just a bunch of quotes from the movie. Real creative. Well, here goes (though please note I was toasted watching this, having mixed up my medications, and who the hell put vodka in my water bottle?). The holla, the holla. I love the smell of feet in the morning. Charlie Sheen don't surf. Termites with extreme prejudice. Someday this review's gonna end.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Shane [1953] * * *

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Thieving squatters resort to violence and an annoying child incessantly yells "Bang! Bang!" and wifey off camera gets it good from a height challenged yet charismatic stranger.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

The Deer Hunter [1978] * * * * *

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The first half is a bit serious, with the second half a lighthearted trip down easy street. I recommend watching for a time where you need cheering up, and hang on in there till the end.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

The Usual Suspects [1995] * * *

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It's hard being an exceptional intellect. Why should I have to turn up to work to earn my money, for example? Five minutes of my time is worth probably a whole week of the average dweeb's. So it can be difficult to hold down a job. Alfred Einstein and Sherlock Holmes would've had the same issue, guaranteed. Which is why this film doesn't make a lot of sense. I can confirm; a truly gifted mastermind really wouldn't put in that much effort.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

The Door in the Floor [2004] * * *

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Mimi Rogers has magnificent acting skills.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Legends of the Fall [1994] * *

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Forget about waterboarding - if you want results, the crappy movie music in this turd is relentless and will do the job nicely. Performance-wise, Brad Pitt's hair comes out on top, easily surpassing Anthony Hopkins' rather lackluster hair. Julia Ormond shows some ankle, but her hair was just ok.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

City of God [2002] * * * *

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Style and substance melded is a beautiful thing.


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