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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Mini's First Time [2006] * * *

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Nikki Reed's not the best actress, but I can see how she got the part.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Melancholia [2011] * * * *

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Pet-hate time. Lots of whispering in this movie. If you can be bothered writing dialog, let the audience hear it. Ok, for the most part the movie was confusingly very annoying and enjoyable at the same time. However, some things were more clear-cut - the Kirsten Dunst nude on the riverbank scene was inspired, for example. Bravo, Kirsten! I think the movie is about depression: not just my depression, on having watched it in its entirety, but the two sisters themselves seemed a bit down and in need of a nice cup of tea or even some shock therapy. The music is exquisite, and if there's one thing I'm sure of it's that Wagner only ever brings out the best in people. I genuinely liked the jittery camera; makes it so much easier to watch when drunk. Not to spoil the ending, but they all deserved it when they were eaten by those vagabond space alien dinosaur creatures.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Hellraiser: Hellbound [1988] *

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This movie is a piece of crap. Now normally I'd expand on that somewhat, but I got a big issue here. My interweb at work isn't working properly. No matter what I do I always end up on a porn site. I've tried everything to fix it. I cleared my cache drive and did a shut it off and turn it back on again. A nice Nigerian man I met online tried to help out, and in return I helped him with some money for his daughter's operation. I really hope she recovers from that bubonic thing. But my computer still isn't fixed. I'll have to call the arrogant bastards in the IT department. Those fuckers with their bad attitudes and suspect hygienes. If I don't get it fixed soon I'll have to do some actual work. Any advice, peeps?


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

The Night of the Iguana [1964] * *

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For those of you out there who have slipped in the shower and fallen on a cheese grater, let me just say that what you went thru was nothing compared to watching this garbage.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Sense and Sensibility [1995] * * *

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Loosely based on the autobiographical novel "Doing Your Mom", by book of the year runner-up and top selling author John Ronald Reuel Titken, and with filmic influences ranging from French New Wave to Etruscan Old School, director and occasional best boy grip Wang L Double E masterfully weaves a story of forbidden yet very graphic love between 6 nuns and a bishop, set in the Dutch Alps of the early twentieth century. Shot in black and white to only enhance the futuristic tone but which also unkindly had it accused of being "Oscar Schindler bait", this movie will have you so enthralled you may just skip the snacks and end up peeing in your underpanties.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

O Brother, Where Art Thou? [2000] * * *

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This movie sure is cerebaral.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Air Force One [1997] * *

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I love true stories.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Fatal Attraction [1987] * * * *

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Anne Archer is one fine piece of derriere. Which begs the question, instead of an affair, couldn't her husband in this (Michael Douglas) have just spiced things up a little? He could've suggested some roleplays maybe (off the top of my head: cheerleader has no money to pay for car repair, pool guy resists arrest, horny wife interrupts tax audit), or offered to tie her to the bed, or got her a French maid's outfit for wearing around the house. Would have saved himself a lot of trouble.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

The Bucket List [2007] * * *

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If I had 6 months to live, the first item on my bucket list would be to shoot the piano player determined to play sappy elevator music in the background. Second after that would be - presuming I have full function of my man instrument - a Caligula-inspired orgy, replete with hungry supermodels and athletic sailors just back to port after three months at sea. Third, seeing as this movie has given me a new best friend who just happens to be a billionaire, I'd try out some of that space tourism still in its infancy but certainly viable, also including the supermodels and sailors for this item too. My fourth item I will only mention in passing because commandeering a ragtag amphibious force and invading a small island nation and installing myself as Ruling Overlord needs an element of surprise to be successful. Further items are pending approvals from Legal. This movie is inadequate in many areas, the most glaring of which is its totally shit bucket list, quite a flaw when the movie is about two guys near death writing up a bucket list and backed with a billion dollars of funding. Gets an extra star for the "never trust a hard-on, never waste a fart" advice from Jack Nicholson.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Citizen Kane [1941] * * * * *

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Film buffs like myself prefer the colorized version.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Jesse Stone: Stone Cold [2005] * *

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The dog and Tom Selleck are adorable in this. I'd have both of them on my team any day - the dog for his advanced detective abilities, Tom for his superior bowl etiquette.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Blue Is the Warmest Color [2013] * * * *

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I really enjoyed this movie. I can't quite put my finger on why, but enjoy it I did. Some parts I even watched more than once, or, a better estimate, more than 23 times. Who would've thought that two beautiful French girls having sex with each other would turn out to be such magical cinema?


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

La La Land [2016] * * *

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There I was thinking jazz had finally died a miserable and fitting death. And then Ryan Gosling had to go and save it. Damn you, Gosling! May your man seed be only good for impregnating goats, may the flatulence of a thousand buffalo invade your nostrils for two score years, may scorpions and baby alligators inhabit your underwear drawer, may your song and dance movie win Best Picture then have it ripped away!


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

The Wrestler [2008] * * * *

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An aging wrestler, grappling with mortality and a lifetime of bad decisions - played by Mickey Rourke, semi naked much of the time. A stripper with a heart of gold - played by Marisa Tomei, mostly naked most of the time. An abandoned and angry daughter - played by Evan Rachel Wood, consistently not even remotely naked. To sum up, there are varying degrees of nakedness in this movie, and Marisa's contribution, her willingness to go the extra mile, was very much appreciated.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

A Few Good Men [1992] * * * * *

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Even Demi in her crisp uniform couldn't straighten up Tom.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Suicide Squad [2016] *

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A 5-star movie let down by awful makeup and hairstyling.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

The Longest Day [1962] * * *

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I preferred the working title, "The Interminable Lifetime". Has its moments. Best to watch on a sick day, where time doesn't matter so much and delirium may have set in.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Marie Antoinette [2006] * * * * *

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You peasants may not believe me, but in a previous life I was a French aristocrat living alongside the people depicted in this film, and I can tell you now that Sofia Coppola has totally hit the nail on the head with the authenticity of that glorious time. I'm left with my memories, most of them fond. The only downside was the persistent beheading of my friends and, eventually, of me.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Sideways [2004] * * * *

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It's refreshing to see a movie portray in such good light the tawdry behavior of an alcoholic loser and a sex-addict sociopath. Grab your mistress and a bottle of gin, sit back, and enjoy.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Any Given Sunday [1999] * *

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Stone takes a rough diamond and expertly transforms it into a stinking pile of poop.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

The Petrified Forest [1936] * *

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Miserably bad, insufferable; the only reason to watch is for Bogart in an early role.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Prick Up Your Ears [1987] * * * * *

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I wasn't quite sure what a "man crush" was until someone explained to me that printing out hundreds of pictures of Gary Oldman and decorating my entire house with them was either dangerously obsessive behavior or an innocent man crush. Not being desirous of more jail time, I chose the latter.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

The French Connection [1971] * * * * *

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The way minorities are treated in this is just terrible. Those poor French people, no wonder they're always so anti-American.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

The Queen [2006] * * * * *

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After experiencing a brain-injuring vision that also bestows amazing powers of persuasion, a man by the name of Tony Blair, the Prime Munster of a fanciful nation called Ingerland, single-handedly saves from destruction a family of bloodsucking parasitic vermin.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Chinatown [1974] * * * *

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I'm thinking Polanski can't have kept his hands to himself while directing this, because this is a very good film. I've looked into it, and when great directors keep their depravities in check, their art suffers. For a different but relevant example from the world of sports, just look at what happened to Tiger Woods. When he was abusing prescription medications and banging a multitude of willing cocktail waitresses, he was at the top of his game. He gave that all up, and now he can't even sink a two-foot putt.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Braveheart [1995] * * * *

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An honest portrayal of effete, spineless English and strong, courageous Scots.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Kids [1995] * * * * *

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Reminded me of when I was a kid - the girls, the boys, the drugs, the sleazy guy filming us.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Fried Green Tomatoes [1991] * * * * *

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Bringing girl power and cannibalism to the masses.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Henry V [1989] * * * *

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I hate these foreign language films. And the English subtitles didn't make much sense either.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

The Notebook [2004] * * * *

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I had a girlfriend once who was my one true love, the one. Well one day she said to me I was an alcoholic and a drug addict. So, when I was sober enough, and had a good supply of methadone to see me thru, I told her she didn't know shit and no way was I either of those things, and that she probably had a hysterical psychological disorder. She accepted my explanation, and we went out for a week or two more before I dumped her for her younger sister. That's pretty much how I expected this movie to go, due to a friend telling me a bunch of lies about it being a product of the realism school. Instead I got a fabulous Hollywood fantasy, one that was making me break down in tears every 5 minutes. I highly recommend this movie; you will especially love it if you're the sensitive type.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

L.A. Confidential [1997] * * * *

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I'm glad they explained it all at the end, because I had no fucking idea what was going on.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Schindler's List [1993] * * * * *

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Snappy dressers, those Nazis. That was to be my review. I was really proud of it, and felt contented knowing I'd completed something of great value to the world of internet musings (musta been how Shakespeare felt after he had finished Hamlet). But upon reflection I decided the subject matter demanded a less lighthearted touch. So a rewrite was in order. One of Spielberg's best films. He keeps it moving along nicely. Character development is superbly crafted. I like the black and white photography, which has a haunting beauty. A very Hollywood attempt at a Holocaust piece, and it works well for what it is. If you're interested in a film of equal quality that takes a very different approach, check out the much more harrowing "Come and See".


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Scarface [1983] * * * *

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I heard Pacino had to do over 400 takes in that scene at the end with all the coke.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

The Player [1992] * * * * *

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I loved this - except the casting was terrible, just a bunch of nobodies.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl [2003] * * *

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After the prolonged popularity of the colon, the projected next step in movie title technology is the underappreciated yet very useful semicolon.


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