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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

The Godfather: Part II [1974] * * * * *

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Incredibly, "Godfather 2" manages to top its wildly popular predecessor "Who's Your Daddy, Baby".


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

The Godfather [1972] * * * * *

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Simply the best Godfather, apart from the other two which are just as good.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

L.A. Story [1991] * * *

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Shooting guns on the freeway and enema dating, it all seems so normal to me.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Bad Teacher [2011] * * *

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Just so you know, brain is not required for this one. If you are worried brain could be too highly engaged, turn to drugs.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Casablanca [1942] * * * * *

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Why this film is so underrated I'll never understand.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Cast Away [2000] * * * * *

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This film really speaks to me. There's a famous scene where Tom Hanks is stuck on the island and he opens up the FedEx packages that have washed ashore. This is much like my own experience. His excitement and not knowing what is in them is just how I feel for a few days after a night of drunk-buying off of Amazon.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Zero Dark Thirty [2012] * *

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The astronomical amount of money spent invading and blowing up shit and eventually finding this guy could have instead been spent on finding the following. The secret to everlasting life; better blowjob technique; a beer bottle that never runs dry; civility in internet forums; someone to make a decent movie about locating Osama bin Laden via incentives amounting to 300 bucks in cash, a carton of cigarettes, and a fully paid (for one year) unlimited minutes cell phone plan with free handset.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Life of Brian [1979] * * * * *

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"Blessed are the cheesemakers." No argument from me.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Memento [2000] * * * *

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I often have no idea what happened yesterday, but I really don't worry too much about it.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Somewhere [2010] * * * * *

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Elle Fanning makes a mean Eggs Benedict.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Taxi Driver [1976] * * * * *

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Not quite up there with his performance in insta-classic modern noir "Dirty Grandpa", Robert De Niro does an adequate job in this as an embittered ridesharing driver and occasional street scum remover. Must be a really old movie coz Jodie Foster looks really young, and I'm sure she's like 80 years old now. As per usual, Martin Scorpene does an amazing feat of directing the shit out of it. This one grabbed my testicles early and didn't let go. Excruciatingly good.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Drive [2011] * * * *

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Being bored never felt so good.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Twilight [2008] * * * *

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Beautiful girl meets hot vampire boy. Girl really wants to have sex with vampire boy, like really really bad. She tries her best, but this particular vampire is determined to hold off until marriage. If only more vampires were like this, our society would be the better for it.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

The Hunger Games [2012] * *

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Icolonic.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Prometheus [2012] * * *

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I'd have done this one differently. I'd have gotten rid of everyone on the ship except for Theron and Fassbender, and had those two go at it for an hour or so, full nudity, all sorts of positions, then done some of that creator shit, then finished it off with a kung fu brawl. Wulda 1) been a hell of a lot better, and 2) made more sense as to the actions and motivations of the parties involved. Still an ok film to watch even without my tweaks; biggest issue that stops it from being a great film is that the ship employees are basically a bunch of fucking morons - an oversight on the part of HR, a department that maybe lacked motivation because it'd had its budget cut to help get the hardware and software systems of the cutting-edge spaceship up and running. Never underestimate the value of high-quality staff when traveling across huge swathes of space to investigate the beginning of life on Earth and negotiate with life forms either more advanced or just plain mean.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

The Truman Show [1998] * * *

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This movie had people in it. And I'm a person. Relatable.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

The Revenge of Frankenstein [1958] * * *

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I've always admired Victor Frankenstein. Some missteps here and there, sure, but overall his undertakings seem legit to me. This classic documentary shows a few of his techniques, but much detail is left out due to Frankenstein's fetish for extreme secrecy (there's a lot more to the "brain into jar" transplant procedure than is shown, for example). Alongside the technical stuff, it shows the man himself - how being at the forefront of science can be a lonely pursuit, his relentless drive, his love of animals and the poor, and not forgetting his passion for removing limbs as required. A competent and enjoyable film; one for inquisitive adults certainly, but also one that may ignite the flame of invention in young children who have ambition to become scientists in nineteenth century Europe.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

The Odessa File [1974] * *

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Hermann Goering is brilliant in this, and he thoroughly deserved his Academy Award for Best Complete Bastard. Directed by Michael Jackson, which in itself is amazing. A beautiful score by Linguine (I've always enjoyed me some Linguine). But it's the little touches that really make this film the tour de force it is - the mischievous way Fanny peeks out the window, the birthday cake exploding cream all over the congregation, the morning sun lustrous on the welcoming petals singing with dew. My rating is 26 stars out of 65 turnips.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Gloomy Sunday [1999] * * *

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I wasn't sold on this until the bath scene.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Cruel Intentions [1999] * * *

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Bad parenting, huh. You think you have it bad, your parents didn't name you after family friend and renowned deviant Lord Admiral Jizzmonkey "Octopus Hands" Foply-Hanover.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

American Hustle [2013] * *

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Social media film review writing course, starter pack. I'd let Amy Adams strangle me and poison my whole family and shoot up the local preschool and eat my dog.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Unknown [2011] *

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A sorry exhibition.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Leaving Las Vegas [1995] * * * * *

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Writing a film review and drinking go hand in hand. And I've discovered there's actually a bell curve. The review is better the more you've had to drink, then there's the peak of creative genius where you've ingested just the right amount of booze, then there's the inevitable degradation in quality as you realize you've sold all your possessions and are sleeping under a bridge.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

The Fast and the Furious [2001] * *

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They don't make 'em like this anymore.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Office Space [1999] * *

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I really wanna tell my boss to shove it, but I'm just not sure I'm ready to give up my job as photographer-in-chief at the world's premier bikini model agency.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

The Big Lebowski [1998] * * * * *

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The best advertisement for the White Russian yet.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Interstellar [2014] * *

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Holy hell this is bad. It's like a moron schooled an imbecile in "space stuff" (wormholes! 5 dimensions! um yeh, space stuff!), making sure to add Hollywood-engendered emotional bullet points, and with a ridiculous "Earth (ie, small-town America) can only grow corn and there's lots of dust" backstory thrown in for good measure. The music consists of two notes played over and over by a delinquent hamster. The ending is trash, varying between nonsense and sentimentality - but really this is just consistent with the rest of the movie. Welcome to Turdville, people. Gets to two stars for Matthew McConaughey's most memorable mumbled line: "Hwarfdfw gftgw arewsdr cfsds gwshffwmgmbbl fwwdeerr."


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

To Die For [1995] * * * *

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Suzanne (Nicole Kidman) reminds me of my third wife, what a bitch! Though, Suzanne is an angel compared to the disastrous fourth one. I struck gold with the fifth one, she was my favorite, and she only took me for a million.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

In a Lonely Place [1950] * * * * *

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Bogart's best film. Yes, even better than Copacabana.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

The Island [2005] * * *

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Believe me, drinking a bottle of bourbon and falling over and breaking some furniture and dialing your ex-girlfriend and passing out for a while won't cause an issue when watching this movie; you won't miss a thing.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy [2011] * * * * *

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Gary Oldman, the greatest actor of all time. That's pretty much it.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Gone with the Wind [1939] * * *

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This movie would have benefited from some nudity.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

The Big Sleep [1946] * * * *

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Great movie for those of us who like to use pen and paper to keep track of what's happening.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

The Transporter [2002] * *

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I really wanted to like this. I mean, Jason Statham spends a fair portion of the movie with his shirt off covered in oil engaging in pugilistic intercourse with dozens of vigorous men ostensibly trying to kill him. That has to be good, right? Well it is, but the movie just doesn't live up to its promise.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

The Maltese Falcon [1941] * * * *

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An unfamiliar time. Men were men, dames were dames, and smoking was good for you.


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