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"M. Butterfly" is an incredibly moving 1993 documentary in which Jeremy Irons tries to figure out what a Chinese person is.

On his perilous journey, we visit multiple Chinese locales, such as Beijing, the Great Wall of China, Beijing, and Paris, France, all where Jeremy Irons pretends that he is very straight. But while Jeremy may not be gay towards anyone else, China is very gay towards Jeremy Irons and sends an elite gay operative to track him down and do the gay thingy to him.

So naturally, Jeremy Irons, a very straight man of strong wills with a keen eye that can discern through even the craftiest of lies and deceptions, falls immediately for this gay operative (who is pretending to be a woman to ease Jeremy into the gay). Together they have the most excruciatingly boring on-screen relationship, which goes on for twenty years (ironically the runtime for this film as well). During these twenty years they converse about the highly accessible topic of ancient Chinese history/customs, and go on picnics where conversations such as the following ensue.

Song (aka the "gay operative"): "René, there is a mystery you must clarify for me."

René (aka Jeremy Irons): "What mystery?"

Song: "With your pick of Western women, why did you choose me, a poor Chinese, with a chest like a boy?"

René: "Not like a boy, like a girl, like a young innocent schoolgirl, [smacks lips] waiting for her lessons."

Was "Lolita" fantasy fulfillment, Jeremy, or was it fantasy fulfillment?

At the end of the movie, Jeremy (who is apparently very French and very straight, or so I'm told) goes to the French court to report his findings on what a Chinese person is. It is here he finds out that his "butterfly" (Song) was actually a man. He then goes to prison for some reason, where he kills himself because according to him "the only good woman is one who is secretly a Chinese man" or some shit I don't know, it was a little hard to tell what was happening at that point as I was actively trying to claw my eyes out of my skull.

I don't know what a "Cronenberg" is but I can sure tell you I don't like it. And whatever it is, the movie is over and I still don't know what a Chinese person is, so I'm left asking, what's the point? Where is God in this scenario? Where is anything in this scenario? How can you be one of two consenting adults in a relationship for twenty years and not realize your "wife" has a tripod? Did Jeremy not find it weird that she would insist on wearing a heavy winter coat with snow pants every time they would take a shower together? What about that scene where it casually panned to them having anal sex? Did he not feel something else bouncing around down there?

Balls, what do they do?

That's right, kiddos, they bounce, and the harder you bounce the balls, the harder and faster they come back. So, if you got big ol' Jeremy Irons out there slingin' dick left and right as well as have two sets of balls bouncing hard and fast at the same time and they collide... well, you get the picture. But Jeremy didn't apparently. "Must have been the wind," he says.

And what about that time they took a trip to the Caribbean, and she insisted on going to the beach in one of those full-body metal vintage diving suits (you know, the ones with fishbowl helmets)? Did he not see through her lies? Does he think penises don't exist?

I'm gonna let you, dear reader (and I guess Jeremy Irons too apparently), in on a little-known secret. Penises are real. And they're fucking weird too. They're always popping out of places you don't expect them to (especially in Hollywood), and if you're not equipped with a loaded handgun or motorized hand saw then you'll probably succumb to their succulent lies and promises. "I'm a Chinese opera singer" they'll say, and "I'm a woman without a penis" or "Asian people don't have sex"...